Wednesday, 22 March 2017

I am the total package..

I've been dragging my feet on this pregnancy weight update mainly because somethings been weighing on me (pun haha)

Weight updates are some of my most read posts!
and I understand why... people are nosy..
really, I'm nosy.
if you're reading this you're probably nosy, we're all nosy and also we like relatability.
I feel like I am a relatable gal...
but lord I hope I never go viral because those relatability girls get tore up by commenters over weight and appearances.

that's sort of why I have to ramble on before this weight post..
I could just say "here's the weigh in!"
but I felt like I wanted to say more to the couple hundred of you who stopped by because you saw 'weight' in the description.

I think the way people react to weight is insane, before you get all up on me about promoting obesity, kindly take yourself and leave my page ;)

Now if you're open minded to the fact that we all have different genetics, life stories, capabilities, body shapes, food incomes, education, health issues, etc. keep reading!

and if you're really here just nose around at what I look like pregnant and in a bathing suit, scroll down my friends!!

I don't know many people who don't get sucked into the roller coaster of love/hating their body and/or appearance at some time throughout their life.
It happens to the best of us.

I've been struggling for 30 years and counting, I think women are especially hard on themselves and each other.
I love men, I know men who struggle, I have a son and I plan on using the same language on him as I do my daughter but I still think when it comes to our outer appearance, women take the majority of the blows.

I've been with my husband for 11 years..
seen him in many lights
had ups and downs
school and jobs
35 pounds gained and lost (and gained, and partially lost again ;)
hair cuts and growths
fashion changes
career changes
etc. etc. etc.

and the one thing people always say about him is, "he is the total package".
it doesn't matter his weight or his hair cut or seeing that same t-shirt that he's been wearing since high school.. (12 years ago..)

He's the total package.

well of course he is the total package!
I picked him that way..
he's kind, hard working, patient, intelligent, the list goes on.

most of the things I and other people ramble off about him aren't relating to his looks or weight..
we see him as the total package and then the "oh he's also a hunk" is an afterthought..

but things like that get me thinking..
how little we use terms like "total package" when talking about women.

I watch The Bachelor, I hear those descriptions thrown around all the time when its referring to men.
mediocre men, average, but good, but not mind blowing men.

then when it comes to women, it seems like she does have to be mind blowing to be the total package.. and for some reason weight and looks is bumped to the top of that list.

~ stunningly I woke up like this, gorgeous, sporty, yet feminine, the perfect mother, like really perfect, you better have those kids under lock and key with ideal behavior but, you're also the fun mom who bakes all organic healthy meals and plans sleepovers with homemade play doh and outdoor movies! ~

all of this plus you best be holding down a 40 hour work week, hit the gym at least thrice, and be greeting your husband with a happy you're home smile and kiss.

that's what I have to be to be considered the 'total package women'?
just not happening.

Yet I still know I am the total package.
I've known it my whole life.

that's not meaning that I've never felt the social pressures, the comparisons, the beating yourself up for not being thin enough, pretty enough, teeth aren't white enough..
(I use this one because people always compliment me on my teeth and I'm still convinced they need to be whiter lol)

and a small part of me will admit I open myself up to these criticisms because I am a blogger, I enjoy beauty, I love fashion, I focus on some may say, frivolous things in the blog.
I'm not posting those hard hitting political pieces or talking about climate change.
the blog is where I like to keep it light, fluffy pieces are my forte.
(but if you're interested I am highly political! I love science, religion discussions and kick ass at jeopardy!)

but even before blogging, people were fixated on my outer appearance..
I remember first feeling "fat" when I was 9.. (9!!)

some of the comments people have made to me throughout my life make me cringe with embarrassment and then redden with anger.. and not for me, for the people who made them.
which often times was family or peers.

I would never say these things out loud, they're so heinous the only people I will tell them to is my husband and my therapist..
it amazes me that I don't have more mental health issues and/or body dysmorphia.
but the sad part is, I don't think my life has been even slightly abnormal!
I think its normal for people, especially women to grow up dodging bullets of body slander, hate or shame and it seems like it never ends.

I mean you can be Meryl Streep or The Queen of England  and the press is still going to talk about what you wore that day versus what accomplishments, achievements you've made.
Hellllllllllo, Amal Clooney.

so the point of my story is,
I am going to share my weight gain/loss story with you.
I will share the photos and numbers I think its a valuable resource to share, it's your average persons story.

I love the Kardashians and I would do exactly as they do if I was in their situation, but let's be real about their appearance, pregnancy stories, etc. they have A LOT of help.

Chrissy Teigen said it, they have help.
Kourtney Kardashian is a single mother of 3 and works out like a beast EVERY DAY.
Kim Kardashian is getting every poke, laser and injection she can for the tiniest of wrinkles.
these aren't rumors... I watch them on snap chat. hehe

So if you're following those ladies, that's good, I love them, they're beautiful and inspiring!
but please come follow some ladies like me as well.

average working moms
middle class
at 130 pounds or 190...
whole package women who know it and dodge the bullets daily but still come out feeling good about themselves.


The one positive force that has been steady throughout my life is that I've always picked partners who never saw me as my outer shell. They have always known how valuable my whole being and soul is.

I will show my husband photos from a few years ago when I weighed 25 pounds more, I'll see a different person but he says "huh, I never noticed" and I honestly believe him.
I know he sees through all the fluff to the whole package.
he thinks I'm beautiful of course, but at the end of the day if I had a Drop Dead Diva experience and woke up looking nothing like 'me' (which hello.. pregnancy basically does to you, different hair, skin, nails, smell, weight, etc) he would still see the total package.

summer 2016 ^ 135 pounds vs pregnancy 2017, 27 weeks pregnant, 190 pounds
my weight 'goal' for this pregnancy was to try and cap things around the 200 pound mark...
when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago I was floored to see I was at 190 already. 
yikes my goal weight is creeping up!
I was surprised and not surprised..
I haven't been able to move this pregnancy and I've been starting to feel the 3rd trimester pains set in so its really been a struggle.
I have dreams about being on the treadmill and wearing yoga pants again!
I salivate at the thoughts of working out and dropping my kids off at the gym daycare to gain those peaceful minutes walking on the treadmill listening to music.
but I physically cannot do it right now.
and that's ok.
the meds I am on make me SO sleepy, and the nausea is still on high alert.
the doctor said "I know you're feeling miserable and I know I go for carbs when I am sick and tired but you can work out..."
of course I can! lol
I'm not sure if this doctor has kids or not but I still think people take pregnant women for granted.
I know some women have beautiful pregnancies that are amazing but mine are torture and I struggle to get dressed. really, I may get dressed 3-4 times a week?
when you see me out in public you'll say I look great and wonder what all my bitchin's been about but the truth is much uglier my friends.
alas, I am trying.
we've been going swimming, I am increasing my water intake and trying to just move more in general.
I don't want to get too far above that 'goal' weight.
I'll probably drop 20 pounds or so after birth..
just baby, water, placenta.. gross stuff happening, you lose a chunk there.
but that will still leave me with a hefty load that I hope I can get under control by the end of my mat leave.
when its all said and done I expect to weigh more, my body has gone through a massive change but for my health and my energy I'm setting my Summer 2018 goal weight to around 150 pounds.
hit or miss.
I'm less concerned with that number and more into the feeling I hope I can get back.
2 kids is going to be brutally exhausting and I still think I'm naïve to what that's going to feel like..
I am sort of setting myself up for failure leaning on the memories of Elliott when he was a baby...
he was a dream baby, happy, excellent sleeper, hardly ever cried and its delusional of me to think I will strike that lucky charm again!
but much like how I picked my 'whole package' husband, my 'whole package' baby had a lot to do with consistency, routine and cry it out method (I know not every one is into that but it works for us and I'm a tough love girl! ;))
so wish me luck!!
and wish me a better weigh in next week!
yes, only next week and I have to hit up the doctors office again!
I'm winding down to the doctor every 2 weeks now, that's good and bad news!
yay almost baby time, eeeekkkkk almost baby time!

Let me know if any of this is relatable or if my atrocious lack of writing skills has left you scratching your head..

I'd much prefer YouTube to portray these deep thoughts onto you, but like I said.. lack of clothes, pyjamas and bed head is holding me back. hehehe

chat soon!! xoxo


  1. I think you look beautiful and definitely a whole package. Just remember all the extra weight , sickness and discomfort will all be worth it when you hold your little girl in your arms.

  2. Holly, I love reading your blog and feel like I am along for your journey :) You are amazingly honest and it is so refreshing to read about real life! I love you and can't wait to meet your new addition xo

  3. You look fabulous at any weight, my dear. xoxox

  4. God bless your indelible souls.

  5. God bless your indelible souls.