Tuesday, 21 February 2017

When you get an abnormal ultrasound result..

So a little over a month ago we had our 20 week ultrasound..
everything seemed fine, we didn't need any further photos, the technician showed us all the parts and she acted as if it was A-OK.

a few days later when we went to my family doctor to find out the baby's gender the doctor said the ultrasound looked good but there was one note...

"Probably a normal variant but,"
probably a normal variant....
wtf, what's that mean?! 
that was our reaction.
the ultrasound results said 'probably a normal variant' but the shape of baby's skull was a tad off so they wanted to do some further tests just to get a clearer idea.


at the start of your pregnancy the doctor will offer a variety of tests, I'm not 100% on everything they look for but I believe its things like down syndrome, spina bifida..
(for the sake of the blog lets call them 'birth defects')
but these tests can be inaccurate, lead to more tests, lead to potentially invasive, possibly dangerous tests..
its just kind of a can of worms that Nick and I said wasn't necessary.
that was our personal choice and I hold no sway either way for others decisions.
going into having a family we knew there were 1 million things that can go wrong, and of course we would want to be prepared for potentially urgent health issues.
but any 'defect' that may be present would not change us wanting that baby.
does that make sense??
for us there is no issue that is a deal breaker.
we know life's gambles but we love and want whatever child the universe sends us.

so bringing us back to the ultrasound..
they suggested we get the first round of those first rejected, tests ASAP.
I was at 20 weeks and that's the cut off point for this test.

I said of course.
it was only a blood test and if there was a chance of my baby needing any extra assistance in the health or birthing arena, that is something we would never decline!
the doctor said there was not any other flags on the ultrasound, the spine, heart, nose, limbs, basically everything else you could measure was flawless so, like the paper said  "probably a normal variant".
Still, you cant help but worry and of course (the worst) google.
We didn't tell anyone about the variant, not because the outcome mattered but because we knew it would blow up into a bigger issue than it needed to be. My family can be judgemental and you know how social media can be, I could already hear the
"omg life will be so much harder if.."
I cried so much that night...
what bothered me was the would be thoughts of 'disappointment', not that people would lack love but they would put an asterisk next to my baby as if a defect would limit them.
I NEVER put limits on my kids.
I know they're going to have different strengths and weaknesses, unique features and capabilities but I hope I can nurture that individual style and help them grow into them best selves.
I always say my parents had a version of tough love that pointed out my flaws instead of building up my strengths. Tough love isn't bad or wrong but if you're going to be tough you better also be positive.
so all these crazy thoughts ran through my mind...
was it bad of me to feel upset for what others would think..???
because now I feel bad for feeling bad!
did that mean I cared what they thought??????
because I don't!
I really, really believe success is a personal standard.
 and then there's,
would a baby with a lot of doctors/specialist appointments be hard? yes.
would the potential of serious health problems scare me to death? absolutely.
those were the really terrifying thoughts.
everything else is adaptable!
I read SO much about about 'defects', I was an encyclopedia of information and statistics.
I read a ridiculous amount about down syndrome because at my age the chances of having a down baby is about 1/900 which seems high and low simultaneously...
but at the end of the day all we could do was wait...  

 I mean, I was not irrational with fear or anything.
I've just always been a reader! I cannot watch a Netflix series without reading every single rating and spoiler about the series first! its a disease! hahaha
the results from the test could take 2-4 weeks so eventually my research slowed and I sort of forgot all about it.. the baby is moving like crazy now and making me sick, sick, sick. plus Elliott is crazy busy so I don't have much time for distractive thoughts...
 until the call came in....
the doctor called Nicks phone, which was weird..
then he asked to speak with me, which was even weirder...
just tell Nick.
you called him.
nothing sets your mind into panic mode faster than those 22 seconds between the doctor calling and him asking to speak to you....
I thought FOR SURE more tests were going to be needed.
The doctor: Hi Holly, how are you?
Me: great thanks.
Doctor: I just wanted to let you know the blood tests came back and everything is great.

a blood test doesn't guarantee anything, you would not believe how many stories I read about babies not having a downs diagnosis until after birth!
but for the most part, we are young with no history of anything in either family so a healthy baby girl should be joining us in June!

and just like that we're back to anticipating the average unknowns!

what's she going to look like?
what's her weight going to be?
will she have hair?
what day will she arrive?
how will she arrive? (C-section???)
please, please, please sleep like your brother.
what if Elliott doesn't like her? hehehe JK
he loves babies so fingers crossed!
if you do get a 'variant' test back ever don't be afraid to talk to people!
I find Baby Center AWESOME for real life questions and answers, they have everything from planning for baby, through pregnancy and beyond.
If you're a reader like me you may get addicted, fair warning.
and you can always send me a message, I'm a tardy replier tbh but I will make you a priority!

*if there's any language or terms that seem offensive in this post
I apologize, not at all my intention! I wasn't sure defect was the correct wording to use.. 
its just what I've seen used as a medical description. I just wanted to share my real emotions and story!

1 comment :

  1. I'm glad to hear that the results came back normal! I don't plan on having kids but I could totally see myself stressing out in your situation.