How can you lose something you never really had?

 Like sands through the hourglass..

As an '80's baby the saying is burned into my brain, all those summers filled with daytime TV and 'sick' stay home from school days. 

So are Days of our Lives.. 

This may be a painful post for some to read and I want to give you the heads up, pregnancy and loss.

So much of my day(s, like everyones) get filled with go-go-go and back to back appointments, meals, meetings, bath time, bedtime, repeat.

When I was younger, I was unsure if this busy 'mom life' - sports, school drop/pick ups, the never-ending fighting.. breaking them up, potty training, sleepless nights, days are long but the years are short.. was what I wanted for my future. 

I wanted a career and a home. I wanted lots of pets! Hoped to live in Nova Scotia, be near the ocean and enjoy little summer vacations. Take lots of photos, fill up my walls with picture frames and vintage trinkets. 

The children question remained unanswered, until around the time I met Nick. We dated a few years & I really started to consider what a future with children would look like. I knew Nick would be a great dad, I knew his calm complimented my crazy. I caught the marriage bug, I saw a future of swaddled little babies and a child filled, noisy home.

If you know me, I tend to go all or nothing, ADHD, Scorpio, oldest child.. I say it all the time. All or nothing, fake it till you make it!

Kids? *ok. adds to cart.*

You never know what the universe has in store for you, I always want to acknowledge that and I do try to pay attention to wording- children. I decided I would like to have children. We were already a family, families come in every shape and size!

I was open to whatever my guiding light offered me. Somehow the stars aligned and we first had a beautiful baby boy! Then a beautiful baby girl! and another one (DJ Khaled)! 1 Boy & 2 Girls, perfect!

I haven't mentioned this yet, but once I got with the idea of having children in my brain a number stuck out in my mind, 4. 

I remember specifically being asked throughout my life: "how many kids do you want?" This question.. it's so personal, there's so many factors, it is such a loaded question. 

The few times I dared to answer, "4". 

I remember certain conversations "I want 4, Nick wants 2, we would probably try for 3." 

And so we did and we were blessed. 

Families with 3 children... our homes are noisy and it can feel like you have double the amount of kids you do! Most of the time there is double the amount hanging around because we've entered 'the kids friends are at our place' phase of life.

3 is a great and a LOUD, BUSY, MESSY number.

 

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Fast forward. The last couple of weeks have been the same bustling days and tired nights.

We have enjoyed summer so much and had a wonderful PEI vacation, everyone is feeling hectic and happy. I was feeling off, which is not unusual for me because I have chronic illness but I decided to use a strip pregnancy test.

There was the faintest line, another day I took another and another and although faint, they were there.

I told Nick the news (I have ADHD, I cannot wait a single second to tell anyone anything. No, cute little unboxing, I just say it right away 😆)  and we were excited but busy so days passed. 

I took a Clearblue and it said 'Pregnant 1-2'.

I waited a couple of days and took another Clearblue, it said the same. 

I suddenly felt HUGE, like my belly popped a foot outwards! This was also one of the first signs I felt when expecting both girls. Once my uterus expanded with Elliott it was very easily and more rapidly expanded again! 

We didn't tell anyone else, we knew how early on it was but we were very happy and chatty about what this could look like. I was hesitant to be excited, during all my previous pregnancies I had a terrible worried feeling, the anxiety is real. 

I felt exactly like that quote from Charlotte York: 

Nobody gets everything they want! Look at you, look at Miranda. You're good people and you two both got shafted. I'm so happy and... something bad is going to happen.

I feel that feeling so often. I feel so much guilt for being happy and its so hard to balance. 

I just had a feeling, it was my time for the bad.. then I started bleeding. 

It was late at night, we were still awake but we were busy cleaning and tidying. 

We have been prepping our home for some renovations (guilt feeling) and I was already wondering why I didn't feel morning sickness like I did with my other pregnancies.

I had HG with all those babies and it is awful!

But I was able to reassure myself, it was still so early, and I specially remember HG starting a little later than this so it was ok. 

I did have a very odd few days of extreme back pain while we were away on vacation, my back was thrown out so badly I could hardly walk. It was so unusual for me to 

A. have back pain this severe. 

B. for it to last as long as it did

but again, it was just a thing that happened and then it was behind me. 

Unfortunately, the bleeding did not stop. 

It's confusing and sad and stressful.

Honestly it has felt like an out of body experience to me. 

'Did any of this really happen??'

'Did I imagine all those tests?!' 

I did not. 

It  is/was very real and is the reality for so, so, so many people. 

Technically I think this would be considered a Chemical Pregnancy, a pregnancy that miscarries around 5 weeks or under. 

I don't personally love that term, but that's just my opinion.

I'm fine with it as a descriptive or medical word but when you read about 'Chemical Pregnancies' I feel it slightly diminishes the pain and the seriousness of the loss. 

It's similar to the word 'Fat' for me. 

I would rather not be referred to as "Fat". I feel there are so many more creative and intelligent words to be used. I am not speaking for all fat people, I'm being transparent about how I would like to be addressed. 

The same goes for our loss. 

I consider this a miscarriage. 

It was sudden, it was painful, it is not over. 

I don't know if anyone ever gets over a loss like this. 

Intertwined with the loss I feel all sorts of other emotions and things swirling around inside me - guilt? sadness? but also, thankfulness? worry? stress? pain? love? joy? sorrow? uncertainness?

It's something that so many go through, yet so few openly talk about. 

It's the reminder that we never know what our neighbours are dealing with or feeling. 

So kindness and empathy are key, support and love everywhere for everyone. 

If you're going through or have gone through anything similar or if this reminds you of something heavy you have been carrying, know you're not alone and I'm wishing you all best, love & strength your way.

Sending everyone lots of love, light and summer sun this month 🌅🌈 

Thanks so much for being here, I enjoy getting to know you all so much! Take care of your body, 💜 & soul.