I am feeling fragile right now.

January was alright.
Full of those new year hopes and dreams.
Motivated and energetic, I was ready to take on the world!

February was meh.
Not as shiny and new as January was.
I was starting to fall behind on things.
Hmm, it seems hopes and dreams not off to a great start.

March.
Well, March is just a real B*#$^ isn't she?

I was feeling blue anyway.
In fact, I was plotting this post and going to name it something like:

I'm 33 years old and still don't fit in. 

Who knew the cool kids table would show up in adulthood?

She doesn't even go here! - and other mean girls quotes that fit my life.



I promise this isn't a pity party post, it's more "this blog is my outlet" kinda thing.




March has felt crummy in all the ways.

Its been a year since Nicks dad passed.

Business in blog land has hit a lull after blowing up my blog-confidence, September 2019-January 2020.

In fact, I've just felt small in blog land this month.
Like a child pretending to adult.
I feel like whenever I try to express things about blogging people scoff behind the scenes.
Like, "what an idiot question"
or "why is she doing that?"

I know my bloggy friends are going to say that's not true ^

But entrepreneur doubt vs. entrepreneur ego is tough.
You almost have to pretend to have it all together (or maybe people really do have it all together, I dunno) to make this lifestyle work but I don't have it all together and I don't want to pretend to.

So when people advise me on how to navigate this business I push back, rebel.

Me: "that way may have worked well for you but I am not comfortable doing it that way."
Blog professionals: "idiot. amateur."

^ This conversation is fabricated but its what I sometimes feel is happening bts.

It's not that I don't have the confidence it's that I want to do it my own way.
Everyone has a different definition of "success".
Usually, success being money or power.

And I want those things but I want them on my terms.

I want to talk about where I am, where I am going and what my definition of success looks like but it makes me feel small and unknowledgeable when people who have reached "success" see my questions, feelings, and thoughts.

I'm the weird middle child blogger.

Speaking of the middle...

I went to a business meeting, it was plus size fashion-based. It went great/fine but I left feeling like I usually do...

I'm not really plus size enough to be respected as plus size but oh, hey, regular sizes don't want me either. #storyofmylife.

Nilah hasn't been sleeping great.

Potty training Noelle is tiring.

I am failing my health and fitness goals.

I am failing at my no-spend/ low spend.

(those last 2 I feel worse about for failing you guys! I have always been a roller coaster of healthy living/spending but I hate saying I will do something and then immediately falling off the course.)

There's not enough time in the day.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

It's all the same old song and dance.

We all have these issues or our own problems, personal struggles we deal with on the daily.

I know we do because I have loads of friends going through trying times.

Some things are worse than my issues, some things are lesser, a lot of people don't like to talk about the weight they're carrying but that doesn't mean they don't deal with that strain privately.



Sometimes the biggest smile is used to mask the most pain, right?

That's what I do.
I hate focusing on the bad.
It stresses me out even more.
I like to break down and then get up and keep going.
Putting the day to day laughs on Instagram and leaving the ugly nights in the privacy of my own home.



That works for me.
And I enjoy being a comedian, an entertainer.
But, I'm not tough enough to use humor 100% as my shield.
No, no, I have this stupid 'ol empathy holding me back.

You know what I mean?
You have to have thick skin to make it in comedy.
Especially as a female.

Not plus size enough but not regular size.
Not asshole funny but not dull.
Not working mom enough but not stay at home.
Not pretty enough but not hideous.
Not smart enough but not dumb.

Not, Not, Not, Not.


I've been feeling so not enough lately.




And then...

 BRING ON THE CORONAVIRUS. 

Now I get to feel stressed and scared and overwhelmed about a whole new thing on top of my other things.



And watch it all unfold in the media and get all strained and awkward on social platforms.

Talked about CO-VID 19 too much.
Didn't talk about it enough.
Shared meme.
Doesn't think memes are funny.
Bought too much toilet paper.
Didn't buy toilet paper.
Shares photos of empty aisles.
Complains about people sharing photos of empty aisles.
Leaves house.
Doesn't leave the house.


It's all just a bit too much for me.
I'm tired and scared and anxious.

I am feeling very fragile. 


And I bet a lot of you are too.

I don't really know how to end this post because no matter what I say it feels cheesy:
Spread positivity!
Lets all support one another!

But I do hope you're all safe.
Full bellies, Netflix on repeat, maybe a book in hand or tea brewing.

Do what makes you feel safe and cozy.

This is a reminder to check on my friends more, maybe send some happy mail or a quick text.
Share more of my blog friends' work so they know they're doing awesome.
Call my Nanny.
Play some board games with the kids.
Give Nick a little squeeze.
Rest and recharge.