Thursday, 7 February 2019

Bump Date #1: Pregnancy Depression, what no one tells you..

If you haven't heard the news...
We're expecting!!!
I am so, so excited.

For me, it was always going to be only 1 or a whole lot of kids.
2 was never even an option, I always knew 2 was a stepping stone to 3.
So how exciting that we (me) are expecting, right?!

It's very exciting and I couldn't be happier to add a little baby to the mix this fall!

Happiness aside I need to talk about current day feelings and so I want to place a trigger warning for pregnancy and loss. This is not an easy post for me to write and I feel like I need to but I don't want anyone to read this if you're struggling, please exit, please don't continue.

I never knew pregnancy was so hard!

Who knew???
How could we know??
No one talks about this.
Really, even in the baby center chat rooms and the bazillion 'what to expect' book passages.

None of what I read ever said, "look, this pregnancy might break you".

They talk about the labour and delivery and should we find out the gender?
does your pee smell a little off or are my prenatals to blame?

But no one says, you're going to feel every cell in your body change, your body will no longer be yours, you probably will be sick and dead tired and fat and crying and just plain miserable for 9 months straight.

But you still have to pick yourself up, go to work, take care of the house/kids/your partner/life and pretend like you're pulling it all off flawlessy because pregnancy is not a disability and even if it was... its a self-inflicted blessing of a disablment with a happy outcome, so no one wants to hear you whine and complain about it. k.

Pregnant with Elliott ^ Month 1 & 2
So young and naive, still thinking the HG was just morning sickness and I would reach that blessed 2nd-trimester where all your sickness subsides and your energy levels return.

I was always suspect to the fact that my body wasn't built for pregnancy/delivery.
Just little tidbits told me, I can't explain without getting extremely intimate and personal.

So when I ended up in emerg to find out I was pregnant with Elliott and then back in emerg over and over again before being diagnosed with HG, 4th-degree tear with that delievery.

Pregnancy #2, HG again (emerg again, off work again, but only because I beg, apparently if you can show up to doctors appointments they'll assume you're fine to shovel parcels down a conveyor belt) and elected C-section this round.

I was not surprised by any of it, I had an intuition that I wasn't made for this but you know whats bigger than that intuition? MY STUBBORNESS.

40 weeks with Elliott^ I was SO done.
but he still didn't come for 14 more days, he inherited my stubborn.

So when deciding to have a 3rd, I knew it was going to be hard.
really, really, really unbelievably hard but I knew my stubborn desire to have 3 kids would outweigh.

39 weeks pregnant with Noelle ^ Smiling but SO done.

So here we are late first trimester, early second trimester???
who knows?? I don't know.
You know why?
Because I have no desire to know, all I know is its not far enough along.

I am so early into this pregnancy and I am already begging father time to speed things up.
I can't believe how bad I feel with how much time is left.
I thought my 'tough guy' 'I got this' 'women are warriors' speeches would carry me through to at least month 4-5-6.

I thought all my "you have 2 kids to take care of, this pregnancy will fly by" BS I read online would translate into my real life and I would struggle, sure, but I would prevail and this pregnancy would pass with ease and be a fond memory.

That's just simply not true and I'm scared.
I'm scared, this is scary.

I feel so unhappy, I don't want to do anything, I can't do anything, I am beyond sick and tired. (HG again and the meds are sleep aids so its a little bit lose/lose.)

I lay around like a lump on a log and feel sorry for myself.
I feel like I'm in a pregnancy depression and the only cure is giving birth, which won't happen for months and months so there's no relief.
It's not the flu or cold, it's a long 9 months when this is the diagnosis.

And I feel guilty about feeling so bad and I feel bad that Nick can't understand because I feel SO alone, lonely, isolated, I don't wish the same onto him but I wish he could relate or understand how to better support me.

Then I feel bad for being unable to help him, he's doing all the dirty work of cooking/cleaning/daycare pick up drop offs and I feel bad for the kids not getting my full attention.
I can't wait to see the kids after daycare pick up but after 25 minutes of them being home, I'm desperate for bedtime to roll around.

I don't care about showering or beauty.
Laundry, dishes, housekeeping.
I don't even want to insta story!
insta stories normally bring me so much joy! (insert #KONMARI)

I feel really, terribly depressed and saddened about the length of time left in this pregnancy and thats not something that people really talk about.

I am overjoyed to be expecting, I can't wait to hug, snuggle and love this baby, just as much as I adore Elliott and Noelle.

I'm just worn down from puking, peeing, feeling greasy (why does my hair skin nails get so oily during pregnancy?) exhaustion,  just the all over uncomfortable feeling in every aspect you could ever possibly imagine.

It sounds so petty and pathetic but it's hard.
Then I feel bad for feeling so bad and I feel bad for complaining about it.
I hate hearing myself talk lately, just call me Eeyore! I'm doom & gloom 24/7.

But that's the truth, that is how pregnancy is for me and I know I'm not alone.
I know it's going to be worth it.

If this is your first pregnancy you may be questioning if its all worth it but it is. 100%.

As fast as your body flipped into pregnancy blues it will flip the switch out and you'll be tired still (newborns, eh) but so happy and feel in your own skin again.

We just have to get through this tough time, keep those spirits up and think ahead, just get through one day at a time.

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