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Friday, 12 February 2016

Am I too selfish to be a mom of two..

Parenting is a hard thing to talk about.

There are just so many opinions.
I am about to spill mine but I worry I won't be able to explain it well,
or I worry I will explain it well but it will still tick people off.
A lot of my opinions piss people off so I am sorry in advance if that happens today but just click away and return for another tomorrow :)

Here goes...
I am too selfish to be a mom of two.

I guess to get the full story you would have to know that I had a horrible, horrible pregnancy.
At the risk of sounding like Kim Kardashian West, I hated every freaking second of being pregnant.
I hated it, I despised it, I loathed it.

Believe me I loved the idea that I would have a beautiful baby,
and I loved the positive reactions everyone gives to pregnant ladies.
It was thrilling exciting, intoxicating.
Then it was vomit.

Week 8 hit and it was straight vomit.
all the way through.
Everyone says
"Oh yes I had that too"
"Oh honey wait until the second trimester, you'll bounce back"

No. No, I never did.
I had HG (think Princess Kate disease), it started at week 8 and it never left.
Even during labour, I vomited and vomited and vomited into two rotating kidney shaped bowls.

me: pretty much blacked out in pain
Nick: handing me the dish, I filled it, he swapped it for the empty dish.
over and over and over again.

Do you know what its like to vomit so violently that it makes you pee??
every morning the gagging pressure was so much I would pee myself. PEE.

Any way..
this isn't about the pregnancy.
nor is it about the horrible labour and delivery.
I went two weeks over due, was finally induced, had a slow, slow, slow labour.
Should have been given a c section but instead was delayed and delayed until Elliott and I were both in danger.
Things went horribly wrong, we didn't know if the baby was ok and then I had to go into surgery. (even the doctor was crying after ward..)

No, not about that, lets talk current day.
Today I have a gorgeous 18 month old and I'm not sure I want to have another.
I mean I do..
I want like 12 kids, but I'm scared.
I am scared that I am too selfish.

When I was off on maternity leave things were easy. Elliott was tiny and could stay in one spot, he could snuggle with me in bed or lay on a blanket in the living room. I had time to shower and cook and blog. It seemed relatively manageable.
But today I am over whelmed.
Elliott is with me all throughout the day, he is pulling at me constantly.
Climbing and whining and crying, needs food and changing, and food and changing..
Oh then you need to teach him things, letters, numbers, animals, calculus..
THEN, just when the day is over..
I have to go to work. (till midnight, get home at 12:30, sleep and the next day is the same)

It is all SO much.

To be honest
I am a really, really self centered person.

I like me.
I like me a lot. A LOT, A LOT.
I love doing my things.
my hair, makeup, nail polish, reading, tv shows, scrapbooking, blogging, shopping, youtube, cleaning, organizing my closet, decorating for holidays, baking, cooking, yoga, walking,..

I like my humour and my personality and my stubbornness.
I have fun talking to people, getting to know people, being around people.
I want to go out with friends, do supper and movies.
Basically do whatever the heck I want to do when I want to do it.
I enjoy being an individual, a human, women, person.
I liked me before I was a mom and I like me now.

But its so much harder to hold onto "me".
I am "mom"
and I love that, but I worry if I become mom x2 does another little piece of me slip away?
I can barely manage to hold onto me now, there's just not enough time in the day to do ME and do ELLI.

 So I am scared.
I want more kids and I want them close in age
(my only request about having kids was that I would have them close in age)
but time is ticking.
once you have one child, its like the mob is constantly asking
"WHEN IS #2 HAPPENING???"

To which I feel like saying
"NEVER!"
or
"MAYBE TOMORROW BECAUSE MY GOD THEY WILL ALREADY BE OVER 2 YEARS APART. NOOOOO"

It is a constant battle between my head and my heart.
My heart wants more.
My head does not.

I would not trade my Elliott kisses
"Biiiiiiiiiiiieee" waves
what does the cat say "meee-ouuu"s
or the constant "nnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo"s
for anything in the world.
but can I do it x2??
I am not sure yet.
Straight up just not sure.
I need to be selfish a little while longer.







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10 comments :

  1. I have seriously contemplated writing this EXACT post. I completely understand everything you're talking about! I actually really want another one, but then I think of pregnancy, all the appointments, labour etc. and I just think 'Nope' not doing it. Ugh! xoxo

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  2. There is nothing wrong with anything you said! I get asked all the time when I'll have kids and I always say the same thing "never" and then I get that look like I'm an alien. But I am too selfish for kids. I've never wanted them. Yes I love my friend's kids, and I'd probably be a good mom, but I love being able to give them back and sleep in until 11. Sometimes, I'm too selfish to even be a mom to my dog. You're doing a fab job and never let anyone make you feel like you have to have another baby or stop being you! Xoxo

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  3. Holly wow! This is so so interesting. I don't have a child, but I have always joked "I am too selfish to have a child" so much you said resinates with me, about the whole "me time" I have never known any different. I grew up as an only child, small family and having me time was something I probably had too much of, but I still need it as an adult. I get overwhelmed when I have too many social events on my calendar. I cannot imagine adding a child into the mix, my boyfriend and I just moved into an apartment and for the first time I am living with someone else outside of a family member and that is a struggle in itself.

    Don't at all fee like you need to apologize for this post, it is so refreshingly honest and will bring a lotttt of people comfort I would assume!!

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  4. This is so refreshing to read Holly! I don't have any kids right now and it's for these exact reasons! I'm scared I'll regret not having kids or be sometimes resentful if I do.

    Also ditto to everything Samantha said above.

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  5. Oh Holly! I can totally relate to this :) Although clearly I chose two... and it is wonderful but I'm not going to lie, it has been HARD and finding that me time has been the hardest part for me. I just keep reminding myself that it's such a short window of time, I'll have plenty of time for me when my kids get a little older and I will MISS having them rely on my as much as they do now. The grass is always greener :) You'll figure it out.

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  6. Motherhood is no joke! I just had my second child and if it wasn't for my moms help this week, I'd be a total zombie and not have enough time to spend with my toddler. I feel your pain in wanting to be selfish and do things for yourself that you can't do while pregnant or taking care of a newborn. Best wishes and we'll see what the future holds for you!! ;)

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  7. You're certainly not the first nor will you be the last momma to feel like this. This is life, my dear. Full of happiness, struggles, triumphs and tribulations. All of it.
    For some of the reasons you stated above, that's why I don't think I'll have children. And I think I'd be an awful mother...I dunno, I flip flop all the time. Some days I long for a child to love to the moon and back and them love me back just as equally. To have a mini me, but I'm not sure I have enough reasons TO have a child.
    Blah, I dunno. Guess I'm still young but who knows what the future holds....


    xoxox

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  8. Oh mama. My pregnancy was shitty as well - morning sickness the whole time, gestational diabetes and then high blood pressure that led to pre-eclampsia that led to 2 days in the hospital and an emergency csection. You're not alone in your feelings! If we could skip that whole step and have a baby I would do it right now! Although, you're right. I don't know how I would have time for me. I guess only time will tell if we are meant to have more babies! :)

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  9. I read this when you first wrote it but I was on my phone and felt like I needed to be at my computer to respond properly, not sure why. :) I will say that the very fact that you're questioning if you're too selfish means that you're not. I TOTALLY get everything you're saying. It is hard having more than one (shoot, it's hard having one!!), it's exhausting, it's frustrating, but it's also so wonderful. I love the bond that my children have and the fact that they will always have each other. Now of course, if you decided that one child is right for your family that's great too, but don't let your fear stop you from expanding your family! Having your heart hold more love than you could ever imagine for your growing family is a wonderful feeling.

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  10. All that matters is how you feel and what shall be right for you :) I have totally given up on hair and makeup, so there is that risk indeed. I just commented on your awesome hair on instagram, too funny to read about it now.
    Beautifully written post.

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